15 Steps to Escape a Hostile Relationship: An Action Plan
If I could have a dollar for each time some good-hearted person asked me:
What is your action plan?
Are you sure?
You need to make your own hard decisions and use only the pieces of this action plan that help you find your own way!!
The top 5 most traumatic list- + a missing one.
- Death
- Divorce
- Moving
- Job Disruption
- Major Illness
Drum roll…A new number 6
- Fighting an energy vampire/psychopath/quiet or overt abuse
Mostly optimistic and determined to make lemonade because I have experienced ALL 6 simultaneously, I see an ‘action plan’ as something that leads to a successful outcome and deserves my very depleted energy. Although I’m really focused in trudging along, I have yet to experience much beyond hoping to succeed. If the stars align, my goal is to complete the legal battle by the end of this year. I’m still in the battle for my well-being.
This writing unfolded to help soothe my chaos and find some clarity. Who knew other people would actually read it and want more insight into how I actually did it.
For my sake and theirs…It’s time to attempt to draw this out.
Action Plan to Escape Narcissistic Abuse
Make you and your family’s well being the only priority! Be strong!
Identify what is real
Identify why you feel so lost, confused, off-balanced, blamed. Second-guessing everything, including yourself. Walking on eggshells throughout the day.
Ask those you trust deeply!! You can’t undo this conversation, so pick carefully. Try not to story tell. Ask deeper questions – Do you think he or she is a narcissist? Promise not to share your conversation with the narcissist…from my perspective, this may put your friend in harm’s way.
Research the term narcissist. Be discreet in your research. Do not ask the person who you think is the narcissist ~ This action can trigger narcissistic rage and place you in harm’s way. IF you are on this path, you are NO longer trying to reconcile. I did step 1 one the hard way!
Reach out to experts
Reach our to experts that can identify and validate the actual abuse, rather than hear the dramatic story. A call to a DV hotline is a great start.
BE CAREFUL what you put in writing to ANYONE. Especially filter your social media. Anything you put in writing can be used as an exhibit in court. No photos, no progress reports. Nothing. Try not to share your pre-planning with kids or mutual friends…everyone can be manipulated by a narcissist. Everyone!
Domestic Violence Advocate
Ask to work with a DV Advocate. Take notes after each meeting – hide the notes, ideally at a non-mutual friends home.
Your trauma brain may take over and you will remember very little. Adapt to the term Domestic Violence and that you are a victim. In my experience, safety protocols will be referenced but not discussed until you escape.
In my journey, I found meditation and physical walks to be my only peaceful outlets to the overwhelming anxiety. EVERYTHING else felt tortured. Including NOT sharing or OVER-sharing with people. I was exploding inside and in pain!!! PTSD seriously kicked in making it hard to communicate at all.
Trauma Based Therapist
Research and interview trauma based therapists.
Due to a pandemic this was not an option for me. I wish it had been different and hope that it aligns for you to be professionally supported.
Planning your escape
Strategy is important. – > Expensive and catastrophic mistakes live here!
Interview Attorneys
Interview attorneys that match your situation.
Some will charge you for an interview, others will give you 15-30 minutes. Ask them how they deal with a narcissist. If you own property in your name exclusively, ask their experience in real estate law. The last piece may save you a lot of stress. Real estate law is very specific and conflicts with family law.
NOTE: In my situation, steps 1-5 all happened before I escaped and while co-existing with extreme psychological abuse, intimidation, financial abuse, bouts of narcissistic rage, and threats.
I had been so saturated with blame, I thought it was my fault…all of it. On many levels I knew this was not the case, but still feels like a million shards of glass hitting you, so you just want the rapid-fire attack to stop. I wasn’t ready when I escaped, but at least had started on some of this.
Taking Action
Take action on steps 1-5 while you are still in your home (if safe).
The DV Advocate may advise you to leave immediately and place you on safety protocols. Tough decisions to make. Pets, kids, legal advise, and access to money will influence this action timeline. There are HUGE considerations that may surface…if should you leave others behind, if they are in danger. Your attorney can help with this aspect!
Don’t ask me…
IF the kids escape with you, the Kids will need to cut off from social media, texts, tik tok, instagram, even online games too. If the phone bill is in the other person’s name, change all of the phone service, as it tracks your location, potentially placing you in danger. Cut off! This is VERY important. Narcissists quickly begin to hunt and will leverage anyone including, and especially the kids, pets, family, friends!! I refused to leave my pet behind! The narcissist will likely attempt to manipulate and mind poison the kids, friends and family members. Sometimes they are successful in their effort.
Good-intentioned friends will help you, but also make you second-guess by asking you if you are sure…Knowing it is the right thing, doesn’t make this any easier!!!
Document witnesses for memory sake
Document every person who witnesses your action(s) or abuse. Keep notes for yourself. Hide these notes.
You may need to ask them to write affidavits later. Keep a notebook with these dates, situations, etc. PTSD will slam your memory. Your witnesses too. When you remind them of the date and situation, they usually remember. You don’t need to have an agenda for what they say. Frankly, you will be shocked by what they share. Truth bombs explode in affidavits. Deep breath!
Live on Cash
Get cash and stash it with a dear friend.
You will need cash to disappear and stay safe.
Keep your gas tank full, as possible.
Some unfortunate souls don’t get to plan ahead, so this is a tough one for sure.
Also, deep financial abuse can separate you from all the money. This is a classic narcissistic control dynamic! If you have a shared bank account, your narcissist may empty the account or try to block your access…just sayin’. Most don’t realize how this impacts the victim of abuse. I’ve heard reference that people even assume/judge that the victim has become mentally ill or homeless. This is a terrible twist of financial abuse, UNSUPPORTED. The legal abuse turns a blind eye too, as it goes on for years.
In short, get LOTS of cash. You never know how long this process may take to unpack.
Borrow an unknown Car
Try to borrow a car from a friend.
There may be trackers on your current one. If you swap cars with someone, make sure they are eyes open for your abuser and willing to call the police immediately to report any stalking behavior.
My car was totaled right after escape, so I had to borrow a car. Likely for the best, because he didn’t know. He spotted my mom’s car in the parking lot at an Attorney mediation meeting and commented on it. I knew that was a problem and changed cars immediately.
Escape
AT ESCAPE – DON’T CALL YOUR ABUSER IS OFTEN THE HARDEST THING. It is also selfish if you are at a safe house or friends’ home and you invite the vampire in the door. DON’T DO IT!
Stay Calm
Make certain you keep your cool to exit.
My exit wasn’t smooth, because I was EXTREMELY emotional due to the death of my dad, compounded by love bombs and bullying. Not pretty. Some voice deep inside said, LEAVE NOW! I did. I remember saying I was going for a drive…loaded my pup in the car and just kept going.
It was so important that I had wisdom from Steps 1-5 AND listened to my internal voice.
Don’t Disappear in Fear
Call or reach out to professionals for support.
So scared from the bullying and shaken by the escape, I called the non-emergency Sheriff line to inform them that I was scared but safe. Per my attorney advise, I kept my sharing brief, honest, but I felt safer having it documented. This is a recorded line.
In my mind, I wanted to give the police a chance to do their job if needed.
Passwords
Change ALL passwords immediately.
Especially to the cloud, email and phones /phone account. You might want to consider moving all the relevant devices to your own account prior to escape. This could be tricky, but save you grief later on.
Safe Escape Plan
Go to your safe escape friends’ couch.
Homeless, but supported. Ideally, this is not a mutual friend. Repeat: Narcissists will be hunting. They can manipulate ANYONE.
Communicate with DV Advocates
Reach out to DV Advocates to inform them of the escape and outline the situation.
The DV Advocates response was to immediately walk me through Safety Protocols and encourage me NOT TO GO BACK!! Reinforced that home was dangerous. They heard the truth of things and took no chances.
Hire Attorney
Update Attorney. Hire them if you haven’t already.
You will need to pay a retainer. This can be paid on credit card or from a checking account. Your narcissist will be introduced to your attorney soon enough and all expenses sorted out later.
In my case, I heard from my attorney AND the DV Advocate that I needed to consider a protection order through the courts. I didn’t do it at that time…I should have listened. It all worked out in time.
Next Steps
All feedback I have received, suggests the next steps for your survival include finding safe and anonymous housing, a safe vehicle, disappearing and changing your entire lifestyle. To stay safe you must walk away from most of your life. An aside, I realized how many of my dear friends he really didn’t know.
Hopefully, these steps will help you think through your escape plan. I need to stop here as the rest is still an active legal case for me.
I send you blessings of strength and resolve. May you find your way – YOUR way!
