After you Escape a Narcissist

This article is for the victims of narcissistic abuse and those fierce warriors walking next to them. Shining light into an endless loop of “what fresh hell is this?” I apologize, this blog is a triggering one. Focused on surviving the narcissist, AFTER you escape.

The Fierce Warriors are often further down the road of survival and willing to provide advocacy and deep compassion. Still dented, but wiser with relevant and worthy insights. They are willing to help. These warriors are powerful and amazingly helpful if they can stay in neutral, avoid fixing and stay with what they know, rather than what they think they know…The latter is NOT helpful and could place the victim in harms way. Always refer the victim to an expert, but do your part to be supportive.

A Support Story

This is not a case study, but represents a conceptual client in an ongoing and long-term battle via the courts with a real estate component.

Recently, a real estate client needed support. To start, it was essential to set clear boundaries between real estate, therapy, legal and financial advise.

The real estate client was trapped in a perpetual merry-go-round of court situations that reinforced the abuse trauma. When the court orders something around the property, my team is ready to take action. This often scares the client, because they are terrified how the narcissist will respond, so baby steps are often important. This makes for a slow road to accomplish the courts time sensitive goals.

In this scenario, the narcissist engaged in ongoing financial and legal abuse via the courts and so far got away with it. Fluid lies, revisionist history, bold perjury, continual obstruction via the attorneys, smear campaigns, etc. An expensive and soul shaking endeavor…

With all of this, this client still wants to do the equitable thing with a fair split of assets and debts. The narcissist has discarded this client, yet still engages for sport, so tries to prove that the client deserves nothing, although the court opines differently. The narcissist wants all the assets and proceeds, and to leave the victim with only the carnage, including debt.

EVERY hearing is won by the victim, yet there is NO ENFORCEMENT of the court orders, only another date with the court, to call out the obstruction.

This includes defying DVPO’s and court orders to pay fines and fees and co-conspiracies that edge criminal. The client is at wits end.

All of this is heartbreaking and soul shattering to witness, but also inspiring to take court approved action on their behalf. The story absolutely triggers the shadows of trauma still lurking within me, but empowers a determination to take effective action…From my perspective, this client is a good human in general.

The Court is a Narcissists Dream

The legal process seems to be a narcissists dream!  They get an expanded supply and get to manipulate the court system and demean, shred their original victim, with few safeties in place to care take the victim.

The well-known phrase the court and attorneys always win, does not go far enough. This is an impotent and self-perpetuating, even self-aggrandizing system. I know it, I survived it as well. You would be surprised how many have!

Romanticized Version of the Court

The client believed in the romanticized notion of the court and that it would look out for the good person, proven by court wins, over and over again. The courts self-feeding model of impotence, coupled with the narcissists ongoing determination, breaks the idyllic concept that the ALL MIGHTY COURT has power to stop abuse.

Don’t get me wrong…there are fierce warriors within attorneys and judges too, the process is what is narcissistic. The court demeans and bully’s. The system doesn’t work, especially when it encounters a bigger bully. Most narcissists know how to dance in the shadows of the law, and position themselves as the hero who has been victimized. They are artful storytellers who believe their next version of the revised story, spin believable, while extorting others lies for them.

Good luck keeping up with the triangulation of all the crazy making lies. Most victims get sucked into the narcissistic vortex due to being off balance and uncertain what to believe.

In retrospect, escaping was terrifying, but the easier part of the escape. Now the victim will be played by the ongoing love bomb pattern and revisionist history. Still attempting to shred and manipulate the victim.

Escape after the Escape

The more serious challenge is the above antics reinforce the ‘power over the victim’ energy and keeps each client in fear responses, reacting based on knowing the next action of the narcissist is for real and the court, a distracting, traumatic and expensive shit show.

Not trying to skip past any important details of escape, but realizing it is important to share that even when someone has escaped the narcissist (whether relationship, family or business) this next level of escape comes from within and is MUCH harder! Each aspect is terrifying!

Getting to the point of this article. This client needs support from the obvious abuses above. My team is a group of willing wounded warriors. Willing to shine light in this dark place, without further victimizing the client, within the construct of real estate action. The focus is bringing a little more humanity to a very cold, slow and torturous process. Someone willing to take court approved action for real estate has been a BIG deal for this client. There are NO guarantees in these steps, only good intentions AND title-company approved court orders.

Injustice in the Justice

Acknowledging the injustice of this justice is helpful only to the extent the client is ready to hear and take action. A positive side effect can be validation and potential financial support via real estate action.

Mostly the damage from both the narcissist and the court is SO deeply entrenched, that any attempt for action ignites the clients’ commitment to fight, or fully depresses them. They know that the only foreseeable future is the other shoe dropping and the narcissist manipulating reality again!  Just the nature of it.

The internal commitment for my client is to FIGHT to SURVIVE. Who can blame this person. It is the only thing that has served them so far. My intention is not to become ensnared as their counselor, or even save them from the battle, only to help them take action in this one area that is often part of the battle.

Success Defined

Success escaping a narcissist is defined one action step at a time. IF successful in this real estate action, it deflates the sting of trauma, empowers the victim, and impacts the narcissists’ arrogance just a little bit. Helping to lay a paver on the road to survival.

Engaging Action is the Victim’s Choice

The client can see the Fierce Warrior walking next to them, but their emotional responses are overwhelmed and demand that only a small amount of action be taken to help them with survival re-entry.

Trust is broken for them…even with those trying to be an advocate. The victim is damaged and only their intentional deconstruction of this default reaction, AND time, will soothe these wounds. Surrender is part of the overall process, but that is more for the inner work.

The victim and the Fierce Warrior both know you can’t win against a narcissist, but acknowledging that you lose MUCH MORE if you don’t fight with all your heart and soul. Check out Rebecca Zung’s SLAY program (Attorney) for legal perspective around this approach.

The primary motivation driving all of the above, is narcissists intend to abuse and devalue you, whether you fight back or not. Their control habit and demeaning resolve are values that need to be fed.

To me, the acceptable group-think of the many self-help books misses the important point. They focus on escape and identification versus re-entry.  The collective perspective encourages victims to walk away in all stages, leaving the antics of the narcissists unscathed, undocumented, and active for the next victim. The ultimate result is the action leaves the victim disempowered.

Many victims don’t have strength left to fight or even extract the toxins, as the narcissist (like a vampire) has sucked their life force dry, leaving them in apathy, chaos, certainly much worse than they found them. All they can do is follow court orders and they need help accomplishing that.