How to Spot a Narcissist

Defining and trying to survive a narcissist are often the same thing. You usually don’t look for one, unless you are dealing with the other.

A wealth of resources exists in defining a narcissist in relationship, family, or business. Discovering how to translate the definition into an action plan sometimes sends you down unknown roads, where you may need a tour guide, or sometimes 10 tour guides.

This process can be heart breaking and even emotionally shredding. It changes your life as soon as you decide to see it for what it is. I tend to spin positive, so in this case, finding the end of this rainbow is way down the road of life.

Preparing for a Hostile Divorce

In most cases, you will need to prepare for a hostile divorce or separation, as the narcissist will attempt to take ALL of the assets, and shred you/your reputation for looking for a balanced solution. The goal is to leave you with all the carnage and debt, while positioning themselves as a victim. Be Careful. Narcissists are quite convincing and dedicated to the effort. Definitely consider hiring experts to help you…then at least you have a chance to escape.

Escaping un-scathed, is a serious long shot.

The top Narcissistic keywords and phrases

The phrases linked to narcissists are pretty terrifying and discovering them can be very traumatic. – > This is the disclaimer

• Gaslighting
• Character assassination
• Coercive control
• Projection
• Misdirection
• Love bombs
• Empaths
• Trauma
• Confabulation
• Narcissistic rage
• Psychological abuse
• Emotional/mental abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Financial abuse
• Crazy-maker
• Domestic Violence
• PTSD
• C-PTSD
• Stockholm Syndrome
• Sociopath
• Psychopath
• Sadists

These terms are a form of shock therapy to the person wondering if they are dealing with a narcissist. Especially daunting, if you are in a relationship, family, or partnership. This list just complicated things with its stark clarity.

Narcissists Lie as a Standard

By the time you are asking the question, ‘are they a narcissist?’, the damage has likely already begun.  You are feeling the narcissistic web and the impact of the psychological, mental and emotional abuses that are dished out by every narcissist. Trying to define why you feel crazy and what you can do differently.

Once a narcissist starts their discard cycle, they will gaslight or lie straight to your face when answering clarifying questions, and manipulate in any collaborative path to imply sanity. If you plan to have them do the right thing, guess again.  They are showing their stripes and are strongly in service to themselves, no matter how immoral, hurtful or straight out damaging. Unconscionable defines them.

As the narcissist escalates, you begin to see other defining traits that are distinguishable and give you some clarity to what form of narcissism you are dealing with. There are full on sub-categories of narcissists that are confusing, but important. The sub-categories are where they all seem unique in their efforts. In an effort to help with the first step of spotting a narcissist, let’s leave the sub-categories alone…at least for the moment.

Ironically, the hardest thing to find is a straight answer to the question:

Are they a Narcissist?

The truth is the deeper you are searching for answers, second guessing your situation, or finding yourself blamed for all the chaos (by yourself, your family, or partner), the more likely the answer is yes…he or she IS a narcissist or at least narcissistic. Sometimes ‘THEY’ are narcissistic – birds of a feather, flock together.

Most people (especially friends) don’t want to answer this question directly, because they want to remain your friend, should you bounce back to the narcissist. This is absolutely a thing! Most people dealing with narcissists default to reconciling, forgiving or collaborating. The timeline of how fast the boundary is manipulated gets shorter each time. Narcissists are master story tellers/ con artists and change reality on you faster than you can blink. Good luck keeping up.

Suffice it to say, narcissists will not reflect on this question or even ask. If you attempt to talk with them about it, they will use mind poisoning to reinforce that you are and they are not…don’t ask as it will always be turned against you or trigger narcissistic rage!

IF (and I do mean IF) they join you in couples counseling, it may cause you as the victim more harm than good.  Again…sorry!

Just to keep things bizarre, ALL narcissists are not wired the same.  A covert narcissist might ask an expert…but that is a whole article on its’ own. Think of coverts as an emotional vampire that can travel in broad daylight, thriving when stirring manipulation of any sort, and discreetly triangulating…just because they can.  Scary!!! The Sociopaths, Sadists, and Psychopaths often are found here.

Let’s start with an easier question:

Are you a Narcissist?

Having asked this question many times myself, the answer was often the same:

IF you are asking if you are a narcissist, you likely are NOT one.

Narcissists don’t reflect. They may pretend to reflect, but they really only scheme.

Let’s leave these elephant-in-the-room level questions and answers to the experts. A well-trained ‘trauma specific’ therapist may be able to help… I highly encourage you to NOT RELY on a good-hearted therapist without specific trauma training. A good therapist will get this and help you find a solid referral!

Gaslighting and Love Bombs’

Gaslighting and love bombs are two universal narcissistic traits. These traits are a unique combination to make certain their prey complies and stays off balance. These two traits not only define the narcissist, but are romanticized in movies, media, and music.  Even in kids programming – ie, Beauty and the Beast.

As humanity wakes up to the perils of the coercive control created by these traits being pointed their way, there is often damage control needed and great confusion, because of all of the misdirection around the terms. Psychological abuse has obvious impacts, but it is very hard to prove AND even harder to recover from. Trigger words/phrases are difficult to avoid in this article as they are the very nature of the topic.

Narcissistic Victim

Any victim of narcissism…yes victim…has most likely been dealing with some ongoing combination of gaslighting, projection, and misdirection, which attempts to change their reality AND make them feel to blame for all the problems of the relationship. So the victim is wondering if THEY are the narcissist. This combo is ruthless and can really mess you up.

Divorces and court scenarios often cause another level of trauma to an already traumatized individual.

Many people who go through a divorce end up wondering if they even knew the person they were married to. Collaborative mediations, all the way through courtroom dramas often introduce you to the core narcissist. You can spot them when they begin revising history, conflating stories, bold face lying, triangulating the court or witnesses, bullying, and/or defrauding in a variety of ways. This escalation may lead to a level of legal abuse.

Narcissistic Supply & Control

All of these efforts are an attempt to assassinate your character and insert their coercive control. Control is the point.

Ultimately you are simply supply to them, and since you are no longer willing supply, you are defined as an enemy, yet still positioned as supply. To an extreme you are a prisoner of war, usually financial POW.

Unfortunately, it seems many victims gain clarity that they are truly dealing with a narcissistic abuser in litigation type situations…I’m sorry for the unbearable pain this may cause you AND am happy for the clarity you are receiving!  Attorneys see exactly what is happening, but make NO mistake, attorneys are hired as warriors, not therapists. It is ironic, that attorneys are sometimes referenced as counselor.

In most legal separations or divorces, the situation can quickly become contentious, hostile even, with the court simply dividing assets and debts. This includes the home you are living in, cars, boats, dogs, kids…Well kids have their own category, but dividing each area may require outside support and expert services to help you achieve success while staying sane. You are mostly shattered and exhausted at this point.

As you discover your narcissist, you will most likely find them inserting coercive control and full-on manipulation around the asset and debt subjects that will push your button the hardest.  Be strong. Be calm. BUT be ready for it. Plan time to meltdown AT HOME.

The motivation for ALL narcissists is to fill the void of what is missing inside of them. This is likened to storing water in a colander. It is NOT sustainable and can be sadistic. To varying degrees they have adapted their social skills, so they can find that supply. Across the board supply is interchangeable…that means you. I don’t mean to sound heartless… I’ve lived this…It definitely feels more personal.

Simply, the narcissist looks for supply to fill the void or numb the pain and won’t hesitate to use an implied intimacy to accomplish this. Willing supply, compliant, laid back, fixers, or ‘of-service’ personality types are perfect to assume this role. They are even sought out. The empaths or the recovering broken birds are the sweetest delicacies on the narcissistic menu.

Narcissistic Triangulation is Chronic

As the narcissist becomes bored, they look for the next conquest or triangulation. This narcissistic experience can last a minute or decades and for the most part will be denied if confronted. The behavior itself, chronic.

Since our society gives positive reinforcement to ‘fixing’ problems, or loving people where they are at, call outs of bad behavior are often discouraged. Everyone wins a trophy, so no one is left out. Being supportive is encouraged.

Most of us appreciate some of this mentality, unless it enables the endless pit of a narcissist. Even at that, sometimes the victim ends up blamed for trying to set boundaries or walk away. In more violent situations, the victim is often more emotionally charged protecting themselves, or the truth.

Character Assassination

Narcs are convincing con artists and masters at projecting, and you are now the villain of the story. They are targeting their efforts on your character assassination. This is why experts say try to avoid fighting a narcissist and if you have to… fight strategically to win (not collaborate).

The narcissist in all forms needs to consume you in some way. Please note, if you think you are strong enough to deal with it, you WILL NOT be better for the effort. If you think you are ‘special’ enough to deal with this, you may be narcissistic. Again that doesn’t mean you are a narcissist or will be left unscathed by the experience. Whether dealing with an overt or covert narcissist, you will either comply with becoming supply by their rules, OR you will be discarded. This is not a multiple-choice lifestyle AND the more you give, the less fulfilled you will become.

Being Narcissistic is not the same as a Narcissist

We are all a little narcissistic. This doesn’t mean we are narcissists. Social media perpetuates and encourages deeper narcissistic behaviors. Selfies anyone!?! Gaming, promotes nurturing the many anti-social tendencies. It will be interesting to see what the future society unveils as a result.

This is a hard topic for all of us, but please know there are a lot of FIERCE warriors out in the world, that can walk with you in your darkest moments ~ If you let them.

If at any point you find yourself scared, don’t hesitate to call one of the Domestic Violence (DV) hotlines.  Likely one of the hardest phone calls to make, but validating and non-judgmental.

Wishing you clarity and gentleness in your next steps. Please stay safe!