Living through the Stillness: Death and Dying

This is dedicated to all of us that have been, or are living through, this process of death or dying.

Writing is the best way I can find my voice on this subject, as my heart still bleeds.

It is painful to survive one you love so deeply AND is painfully obvious to all around you.

Inspired Still

The mourning starts way before the breath has ceased, so do the care taking and traumatic experiences. Hoping only that the transition is as gentle as possible for all of us. Acceptance of an inevitable outcome doesn’t cure. Trying not to dwell on it, fatalistic.

The inevitable has occurred. Time broke immediately. I reach for past memories. The future us obliterated…I’m wrecked inside.

Surrendering to my sea of emotions. The waves crash inward. Finding the quiet acceptance first; then the exit. The exit is a relief but an intense release of collected trauma. How can this all land in one moment? So final…Suddenly everything is said, but there is so much more to share. If I keep talking can you stay a bit longer?!?

The silence is a roar. Time broken. Memory shattered. A moment to forget. The tears cry me. Only the sensation of your absence… so strong in my heart.

Leading to a peculiar velvet void, spinning into letting go of all worries about yesterday and tomorrow.  Empowering me to feel all the love, grief, and heartbreak of missing you in a split second. What a parting gift… Such a deep moment.

Experiencing the essence of you, everywhere. The instantaneous trauma experienced in dying and death is powerful. A forever, albeit temporary, command performance to the moment called now. Somehow I feel bad about noticing this.

Aging, illness and dementia are all like this. A giant section of life filled with ‘wait for it’.

At these transition moments, nothing else matters.

…More (like this) expected in my future. I guess this means I’ve loved SO MUCH.

No one can really walk next to me at this moment, although compassionate hearts have tried. The ringing in my ears, absence of sensation, numbed reactions are all present. Walking hand in hand with the intensity of grief untethered. Pulling the sheet over my head to escape the sensation only to acknowledge it is within me.

Now in waves… As if it was weeks ago, rather than moments. A more critical voice takes over. The common sense of it, and reflection of what more could have been done- differently, cherished more.

The story continues to unfold. Time is on the warp side of mend. Did it really happen for decades? It seems like a moment now. Time is surely broken… but the rest of the world doesn’t seem to notice.

My heart still reaches for those memories in that foggy life bin.

My love remains a constant. Inspired still.

Now the business of death kicks in with papers to sign and sorting of the important collections. Life reduced to a paper box. Memories and flashbacks…Everything smells like you…still. My very being overwhelmed by it all. How can I find strength to accept the support, I truly don’t know what to ask for and can’t say thank you enough. So I whisper to the great beyond, help me find my next breath. Needing to start somewhere and this seems like a good place.