Top 6 Action Steps to Sell Real Estate During a High Conflict Divorce
Step 1. Identify the High Conflict Situation
Start by identifying the situation (your situation) as ‘high conflict’ or ‘hostile’. Once you acknowledge it to yourself it takes much of the ongoing surprise/sting away. Likely nothing has changed in the legal or separation situation…except the way you are framing it.
Once you come to terms that you are actively escaping a high conflict situation, you can share that with others, so they can best support you stepping out of trauma response for long enough to identify the big picture.
Most good-hearted people can’t possibly hear all the stories that define the relationship as high conflict or hostile. Even the really good listeners will tune out the details. It is human nature to believe you are telling the truth, discerning the reality of the situation as you move forward.
Undiscovered covert abuses can be unveiled in this process. Genuine or manipulative, things become clear if the abuses have been financial or psychological in nature. The victim often has been covertly groomed to think they caused ALL the tension in the relationship and as a result, ‘walk on eggshells’ in every conversation…until they don’t. This behavior helped them stay safe in the abusive environment AND will take months, or even years, to shift into confident self esteem. As much as people want to empower improved self-esteem, these are personal hot coals to walk, with the phrase, ‘I’m Sorry’ as a default.
Following court orders seems to help clients in high conflict scenarios to take action. Time sensitive signatures are also important…otherwise the documents will get sucked into the spin cycle of the chaos.
Step 2. Acknowledge Boundaries
Deeply trained therapists are fantastic helping you pull the narrative apart, thread by painful thread. In trauma situations, the person involved has a huge amount of chaos bubbling. With all the chaos looking for an escape route in story form. Likened to steam escaping from a teakettle. Your inner work is calling. Unfortunately while you are in your deepest pain, the court is handing out court orders to do things like re-assign your assets or sell your home. Being exhausted and in chaos, make it incredibly hard to take action.
You will attract people that are willing to help, but in their category of expertise. For example, my team are all deeply familiar with the deepest of life transitions and the associated trauma, but they are focused on helping you sell or buy a home as their expertise.
The life details they are asking about are often very personal, yet can be asked in a supportive way, but are likely about achieving the task…not becoming your advocate or therapist. Communication boundaries are important to understand, because in trauma, everything is a trust, fear or betrayal issue AND can escalate into triggering very quickly.
A current trend AND tricky clients are the fastest growing divorce group… seniors (60 years and older). See the article on Silver Divorces for more insights.
Step 3. Don’t Treat Your Friends like Therapists
When you share with a friend, colleague or vendor share that you are going through a high conflict separation or divorce. Implying a need for a compassionate approach and some complex details. Resist overwhelming them with the details of chaos. Dumping your chaos on vendors and friends often treats them like an emotional garbage can…(Can you please hold this chaos for me for a minute?)…Find a dedicated EXPERT to support you. Better yet, find layers of experts that specialize in all the aspects you need. One comprehensive approach, is to introduce the experts to work together as possible.
After going through my own trauma, I remembered this important tidbit:
People in trauma tend to blurt… Attorneys in hostile situations tend to issue subpoenas. Stick to what you know, don’t over share.
Please try to avoid making your friends (or real estate agents) into therapists. Friends want to be supportive, but this is way beyond what most can do for you. These are dark waters you are swimming in.
Step 4. Let Experts be Experts
When engaged in a high conflict divorce or separation, relevant communication is IMPORTANT!
Anything in writing can become a court exhibit. Real estate is no exception. The court process is slow and the real estate contract process can be quite fast. This can be quite a conundrum at times. Having court orders coordinated between attorneys and a real estate agent helps the sale process to move forward, synchronized. Attorneys will serve up some deep reality checks… Not the job of your friend, colleague, or vendors. Neither reflections, nor opinions about the relationship (no matter how accurate), nor interrogations about what is going on are going to feel supportive in the bombardment of a high conflict divorce. It is essential to let the experts be the experts!
Example: IF you go to sell your car and you need to provide a court order releasing the title to you, tell the person at the DOL the shortest version of the traumatic tale. They likely will comment with compassion or empathy. This is NOT (I repeat NOT) an invite for you to dump your whole story at their door. This is a DOL expert, they can help you do the job, IF you provide them with the court order and relevant details.
Escapees of High Conflict Divorces often don’t understand that they are likely trauma victims and need qualified support to diffuse the situation and to clearly engage in seeking help from others.
Step 5. Listen Carefully. Take Cryptic Notes
Talk gently; Listen MORE. This goes for both the person in the high conflict situation and/or the person walking next to them (friend or vendor). Righteousness, callous, or good for you opinions, although meant as supportive, may not be received well…IF your comments are received at all. These types of well meaning comments often reinforce the friend, colleague or client to stop sharing. The default will switch to ‘walking on eggshells’, which will get you both tangled in the escape dynamic, rather than being supportive. If the client (or friend) switches their behavior to ‘walking on eggshells’ it is quite likely there is an abusive component to their situation. The client or friend MAY NOT KNOW. Tread carefully. Refer to experts – In this case, experts about narcissism!
Real Estate experts hear a lot of life transition stories. If a MAD Realty Solutions expert feels strongly enough to comment, listen carefully. They risk a lot speaking up…If this expert makes a suggestion to reach out to a DV (Domestic Violence) helpline, or therapist you may want to consider it. Why does this matter? It matters a lot. Keep in mind that all separations, including domestic violence, are very confusing and there are often still emotional damage and ties…whether these emotional ties make sense or not. The client is typically emotionally frazzled to the very core and shaken by every word pointed their direction. Chaos is the norm.
Attorneys are focused on the legal entanglement of the separation, and sometimes don’t notice the warning signs that you are not safe. A therapist doesn’t want to trigger your fear, so may hesitate to send you this direction. In the world of MAD Realty Solutions, we will often speak up, but always suggest you run it by your attorney. Keep in mind real estate agents are not attorneys.
The escapee needs to decide (on their own timing) what is the right action. Notifying your real estate agent of a DVPO (Domestic Violence Protection Order) helps them to create safety protocols that serve and align with DV Advocates…All focused on keeping you safe.
FYI> Most agents and attorneys won’t deal with this DVPO aspect in business. Custom Solutions take deep commitment and often 10x the resources to achieve a solution. Our teams are trained to customize solutions to help you reach your real estate goals in parallel to court orders, etc.
There are no guarantees with high conflict situations, only custom solutions, strategy and team work to take the next step. Our MAD commitment is to walk next to you in this process.
Step 6. Harsh Reality Check
Give yourself triple the amount of time and resources you think will be needed to go through a high conflict divorce…You may need more time and money than that. People who escape a high conflict relationship think the next step is to shift to Survival AND their new life. They are often impatient to achieve this and frustrated that it is not a straight line to accomplish.
The harsh reality is escape leads to more escape. Survival simply walks next to them for a while. A MAD realty solutions agent is part of the escape and survival process.
Trauma can impact a victims’ brain, causing PTSD in many forms, which has a direct impact on memory. It is surprising how much you forget sharing or even hearing. This is important to acknowledge AND an important support reason why the steps in real estate require dated signatures to contract or change the contracts. Solid title insurance helps assure the transfer of property ownership is in compliance with court orders (also in written form).
Someone who is actively escaping a situation is often NOT prepared to sell a property. That doesn’t mean a court won’t order this action.
IF it happens…and it does happen… having someone walk next to you that has a fierce heart and fierce commitment to achieve your goal is paramount. This is what the MAD Realty Solutions team is committed to. There is nothing normal about it… period.
