What you can expect in a Hostile Divorce
Many people start off trying to collaborate and mediate with their soon to be former life partner. Sometimes this is a peaceful process and a respectful transition. I wish this for you…I really do!
The Signs of Impending Hostile Divorce
You will recognize quite quickly if only one of you is looking for a reciprocal and balanced/fair outcome in your effort to collaborate a mutually agreeable separation. The signs of an impending hostile divorce live in these actions. Pay Attention!
There are many variables in hostile divorces, so this blog is attempting to paint a broad stroke of identification to alleviate some of your second-guessing. Unfortunately the chaos and trauma caused by a hostile divorce will not dissipate for a while AND many of your now priorities will change quickly.
What you can expect in a hostile divorce
What you can expect in a hostile divorce is Escalation. Disrespect. Lies. Manipulation. Chaos. Trauma. Massive change!
The whole hostile divorce process will take 10 times longer than you think it should once courts are involved. It is very silo’d with family law being its own category. Domestic Violence is a separate category. The silo’s really don’t share much information and attorneys must include relevant court documents as exhibits.
The average court process for a divorce takes 2 years. Dealing with a narcissist 3-4 years.
Attorney’s mention collaborative law fails 95% of the time
This becomes quite apparent when there are assets to negotiate. Collaborative Attorneys tend to really put their heart behind your cause, but by trade they are NOT litigators. You end up spending time and more money, with the effort doing little to move you to a solution. Collaborative Attorneys are great for pre-nuptial type agreements.
The court process will cost you lots of money and court orders can be challenging to enforce. The courts will get paid in a timely fashion, so will the attorneys with ongoing retainers.
However, YOU will need to make the choice many times over to engage or disengage in the process. Once you start the legal process, it is very difficult to extract yourself from this process.
There is NO enforcer of court orders, so no guarantee you will get paid via a court order. You may be disillusioned by the courts complicity to retrigger your trauma, and find it challenging to win, even when you win.
In a hostile divorce, the game perpetuates itself inviting appeals to most court judgments and encouraging you to enable the rodeo clown of a former life partner by appeasing them with concessions. You must choose your priorities in walking away, often needing to enable the hostile, and at this point identified as, abusive former life partner.
The problem with hostile divorces is gaslighting. Commonly when one of the relationship partners is a narcissist and they are being exposed, they default to reality altering gaslighting activities. Gaslighting is a textbook narcissistic behavior, among a long list of other behaviors.
Please read the blog on How to Spot a Narcissist.
https://madtransitions.com/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/
The narcissists want to be in control. They want you emotionally raw and reactive, walking on eggshells, compliant to their wishes, AND seeming crazy! They want to assassinate your character and make themselves out to be a victim. They want you out, but to keep you as supply. They will lie, manipulate, coerce, smear or anything they need to do to push you into compliance. Control is a value to them and personal to you.
The form of the hostile partner seems to adapt as you go, escalating into deeper attempts at financial and legal abuse. Often attempting to keep all of the assets and leave you with all the debts. In my humble opinion, narcissists consider kids and pets, assets or debts. The courts are complicit with this. There is a one-size fits all template and a serious game of hot potato within the courts. Should your case be an anomaly, there is a notable lack of continuity to pave your path to sanity.
Narcissists will go after the things you care about the most. Tell them your furniture is your favorite. This may prove a perfect decoy.
Narcissists will Leverage & Triangulate
Worse than the above, narcissists will leverage (triangulate) the kids, pets, family members and friends to torture you emotionally and psychologically. They are intentionally isolating you often as coercive control, financial and psychological abuse, or worse. Triangulating a child to create tension is twisted, but quite common. The kind parent will respond to protect the child, while the narcissist uses the child to garner a predictable reaction, one which often makes you seem like the crazy one. Often this is very cold and calculated.
The hostile narcissistic partner will pretend to be the victim, position as the hero, while showing no remorse in leaving you homeless, shattered, bullied and possibly, scared for your life. …AND sometimes it works. There are no guarantees in this hostile war torn negotiation. Just know narcissists only see two things and act accordingly. They see a supportive/compliant partner or an enemy.
Detangling this relationship takes time, money and legal professionals to unpack it. This is a nightmare for any/all living it. Revisionist history, intentional misdirection, and bold face lies are standards in a hostile divorce. Please note, rarely do therapists and attorneys agree on the approach or what is acceptable for your well-being. Ironic they can both be called counselors.
Hostile divorces often involve court assigned protection orders (TRO or DVPO), eviction notices, or other court orders.
These court orders guide your actions, timelines, sale of assets, even define if you can live in your own home. Fraud of the court, perjury and defied court orders are all illegal, generally not pursued, and often tough to prove. Even with proof, sometimes these court order violations are not enforced based on the broken nature of enforcing the legal system. Keep in mind, I’m not an attorney, just had a front row seat to watch the action unfold.
A savvy family or real estate attorney with experience in Domestic Violence may be a good choice for you. They are hard to come by and get distracted by the length of the process.
If you must engage in protection orders, all bets are off. These actions define hostile divorce super nova and can take years to sort out. Your family and pets safety is paramount, as are any vendors you hire too.
Please note, the family courts and domestic violence courts operate separately and a narcissist will often play in the shadows in between. They are hunters and enjoy the game. Forget about the fact they are torturing you at each turn…and likely enjoying it.
Safety protocols can include disappearing to a more anonymous life and selling your current assets, including your home.
Once you hire attorneys and engage the courts, you are at the mercy of the courts. In a hostile divorce, everything can and usually does become contentious.
A chess game, of sorts, that will change your life.
I am SO sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through. I am not an attorney, but acknowledge surviving this lane in life. I share because I can. Fierce for you and for me.
I hope this helps you find your way.
